"Lalu Yadav dreamed of his reminiscence of 'Rail Mantri' days"

When Rabri Devi got up in the early morning to do her everyday 'path pooja', she was stupifyed to watch her husband Lalu scrambling on his cot. To what Rabri could make of his pedalling legs and chugging snores was that he had been dreaming his old days when he was a Railway Minister.

"What to tell you Faking News, but he was exposing himself profoundly that even the buffaloes who were tethered near his cot were found to be evading the gaze of his private stuff. The dhoti had been wriggled off the cot and the desi underwear and a singlet was what Lalu was wearing" Rabri confided.

Faking News went to the buffaloes and it was instantly cleared that that the bovine had been shocked and bore a shameful expression of perversity. Babua Bachoo who is the cattle attender of the house went on record saying that the bovine had gone dry for the day. 'There was no milk. Not a drop!'

Lalu Yadac had immediately gone to the party's office and it was Rabri who playfully narrated that her husband often makes the reverberating sounds akin to a moving train often inserting the screechy chugs and regular 'shuk shuk shuk'. Doing this, Rabri said, he would act like a train himself and would start scratching against the cot while moving his hands and pedalling-legs as if to denote a motioning engine. 'He looks cute in his moves, I must add', urged Rabri.

It was only when prodded for more that Rabri told Faking News that Lalu is not aware of his sleeping shenanigans. 'He is a sad soul after having lost in every election since his stint in the Railways. The 'train-shain' has got into his illiterate head. I have asked Sadhu to ask 'Nitish Baba' for a solution.' We. too. were confused with the namesake but later Sadhu made us clear that 'Nitish' she had referred is a local baba who knows the language of such haunting atmas. 'A drop of toddy cooked well in pot at Baba's cot will derail the 'train bhoot'' Sadhu was confident.

Lalu didn't return till the evening and thus we were deprived of the opportunity to personally meet the haunted body as we had to leave for the office. But we didn't fail to wish family a success in their adventures with 'train bhoot' and thrown our own advice that he be asked to sleep with his feet in the direction of West Bengal-if that could help!

Shahrukh Khan eyeing "Chandrayan-2" to promote his next mega-budget movie

The man is never short of promotional ideas. Shahrukh Khan, in a press interview with Faking News has provided some insight into his 'next big thing' which would probably kick the minds and asses of average Indian in 2015. The glittery Khan has announced to promote his 'Dream-Project 2' by organizing a journey to space.

After the moderate success of Ra.One, a miffed Shahrukh felt that it was the misdeeds of his promoters who could not promote the movie like it should have been done. There were reports that people were emerging who had no idea about his upcoming movie and such soul-churning incidents were reported a mere fortnight prior to the release date of Ra.One. 

"The next time," said Shahrukh in the press summon, "I would have all the reigns of promotion. We would start filing applications with the ISRO, the space research organization in-charge of launching Chandraya, as soon as the final shot is oaky-ed. At the same time to avoid any risk of denial form ISRO, we would file petitions in Supreme Court demanding it be given as their fundamental right to promote their movie in which ever way they like. And I know, we will achieve the task in the end. Allah-wali."

When asked about his next venture and whether it would have any relation with 'space adventuring', Shahrukh explained that it would not be any issue if the script has to fit the spaceship modality as the team is looking for added advantages that may result in. Like, he explained, there is every chance to have an encounter with some Alien-masses who could    be the potential customers and thus added fan-base.

Faking News inquired if in case the Aliens are encountered, would they know him as Shahrukh; to which, he quipped "I have already said there is no one in any space or time, who would not know Shahrukh. Also, given the possible fear of attacks from Aliens as was reported by elite IndiaTv, I would take some DVDs of Ra.One and which would make the Aliens realize that Earthly inhabitants are a species not to mess with as they would kick some ass like I did to Ra.One."

Shahrukh is soon to begin shooting for the film once the script is ready. He also announced to donate his Ra.One outfit to none other than Chetan Bhagat so that the bad-ass actor may find some defense the next time he is pounded by Aamir Khan, who is not merely an enemy to Shahrukh but also a friend to Shahrukh's enemy Salman.

"Shakti Kapoor to announce his own Big Boss version as "Big Baddie", soon "

Dejected with his expulsion from the Big Boss season 5, Shakti Kapoor, standing tall to his own image of an illicit debauch, has announced to begin gathering funds for his own version to Big Boss termed as "Big Baddie".

When asked about the reasons for his eviction Shakti began with a jaunty smile and said "Ladies thinks me as a bad guy. They thinks I would sneak into their rooms at night or would do something with the latches of the bathrooms to be opened with a minor push at the peak time. The contestants felt insecure and even the male audience who had suddenly begun to pour, God knows from where, felt that I would make advances to their bodies. Oh ho man! This is too much. Al this has been due to this too much gay-shay things and slut walks"

When Faking News implored the baddie to tell more about his  new show, he asked us to be a bit patient but told us that there won't be any shortage of financiers." Dekho Bhai," he began, "there are many everywhere who want to see just what I was thought I would do. Samjhte ho na kya? And this is the problem, because if I come to my own, then nobody can stop me from my sadistic measures. I was getting so horny a while back that I was about to attain the epic 'see-through-clothes' vardan from my sex guru."

When asked who his sex guru was, he joked and told 'Faking News' that it were we, and we blushed wondering if to take it as a compliment or insult. Shakti told us that there would be sexier women on his 'Big Baddie' and much younger than the ladies/women at Big Boss. I have talked to a couple of financiers like Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton and Strauss Kahn and they have told me that go with fresh talent and that I don't need to bother about money."

He didn't say much when asked if any of these financiers would be at the show as contestants but definitely told us that he, himself, the Big Baddie of Bollywood and pan Indian debauch would be there, lolling with the girls in no-holds-limit. When put would that sully his image more, he was quick to add, "I will just try to be myself" and finished with his signature remark Samajhte Nahi Ho Yarrr!

There is a buzz everywhere and Big Boss knows well that if Shakti finds his way, it would hits its show badly. They have even tried to call Shakti back into the show so that he would give up his idea of Big Baddie. But, Shakti rebuffed and with a grin added: "It is too late now. I am finally on my own. My sex guru has asked me to go ahead. So, Sorry, and I promise you would have fun too."

"Harbhajan Singh, out-of-team and barred-from-home, sleeps in his Hummer"

It was when the Faking News could not trace Bhajji and the black giant in his Jalandhar house that we smelt some rat in the situation. Harbhajan has been missing in action lately and Faking News had gone to find if the guy is hitting the field ferociously to make a glittery comeback.

When we were not allowed in the house there was a gang of marble-players who informed us that Bhajji's parents didn't allow him in the house ever since he has been dropped from the national team. "There was a brawl," said an excited urchin, who confessed he would not copy Bhaji's bowling action for his daily play-offs beside the city pond, " and his mother, in the company of his visiting sister and brother-in-law, asked Bhajji to leave the house and not to return until he gets back his form."

Bhajji, playing mischief as usual, arranged for the keys of the Hummer through the pilfering aid of house-maid Pav (form the old friendship: 'Pav-Bhajji') and went off straight to PCA stadia, Mohali to begin practicing relentlessly. While entering into the territory of Chandigarh, unfortunately, the same policeman who had earlier gave the ticket to Bhajji for the disarrayed number-plate, accosted him. But Bhajji was broken enough and pleaded "Na Bai ji, leave me this time. Please. I don't have the means to play the challan. Please Bai ji, Rabb will do some 'bhala' for you" It is yet to be seen, what 'bhala' would Rabb bestow to the benevolent policeman, who in the wistful eyes of otherwise arrogant Bhajji, found his own struggle of burdensome metricualtion days.

Bhajji practices a lot and at the end of the day, with no money to afford the costly Taj Hotel, prefers the laid-backness of his spacial Hummer seats. It is purported that he receives just one call from Geeta Basra, who has tried to send him some money via Western Union but Bhajji is decisive in his stand. Last night, the gatekeeper at PCA heard him saying "I will fine Geeta. I have an account at PCA and needs no more nothing but the food to survive. Let me repent, my love. Once I appeal to that shoddy Selection Committee and am back in the team, we would declare the date of marriage. Night! "

Geeta, the responsible lover, tried to contact her mother-in-law-to be but could not set the connection through. Meanwhile, the effort of the sprighty Sardar continues and is soon to show some results. The next time that southpaw comes to practice here, I will get his a** on the first delivery. You will see!" averred Bhajji, revolving the ball over his gruffy finger tips. Though we tried to push him to make the name of southpaw explicit which he denied in his sneers but it was a no-brainer to note that he was alluding to Yuvraj Singh.

"Rakhi Sawant to have gone nude if Gadafi wasn't killed"

The disclosure came from Rakhi herself, when she was about to put a large red cherry into her gargantuan gate of lips, while shooting for a lipstick ad.

Rakhi said, " I was reading English newspapers over the last few days to be in a better position to speak a morsel of the mystery-language when I noticed a consistent trend in the news bars. A man with a bad face appeared regularly and there would be a word 'Gafadi' written to support the pic.''

 

FK journalist didn't corrected her 'Gafadi' for 'Gadafi' but let her open her gates. She explained how she felt terrible when I saw the person by the same face killed; the reportage was being shown on the television. When 'Gafadi' popped up, I knew what it laid in store. I thought of a stunt and that was that."

Outspoken and truthful, she knows that the readers would fall for anything. After concluding her plan to us, she began smiling as if expressing the intrigue involved in her plan. The craters of lips vibrating madly, only to have the make-up boy coming in the picture with a grunt "Madam, we have sacrificed two cartridges of lipsticks for your lips' expanse. Please keep the laughter to yourself till the shoot if okayed." She closed her gates displaying her work ethics.

When she had gone, the director of the shoot took some time to vent his own anger at her and spoke "She thinks herself as a queen. With a face so bitched-up and the tantrums so BC-inviting, she still thinks that bachas had smutty dreams since those words of 'going nude' poured out of her China-mouth. I am ordered to focus less on her lips and more on something else-you know where--and that would be enough."

He left with his words of wisdom. The team of Faking News suddenly was happiest  ever to have seen with our own eyes, the videos of Gadafi's murder and heaved a sigh. 

Faking News office at 420 Fakeland, Fakeerpur looted by 'Ram Sene'

It was a tragic incident when a dozen workers of dedicated Ram Sena, in their fuming movies attacked the Faking News office yesterday. The office was located at 14th floor at Fakeland building in Fakeerpur.

The security cameras at the entrance of the building showed them moving into the premises. They were shown carrying the guns and pistols, which are allegedly from the Chinese stock that was discarded and about which Faking News had diligently reported. The man leading the group has been identified as Adnani, who had annointed his miniscule forehead with a large vermilion banana-shaped mark. Though we are in deep pain, yet to press the giggles is getting uncontrollable, because he was really very funny. The ten seconds visage could have easily generated the gags worth five Rascals.

When the group found that the life was unoperational, their anger seethed and in a frenzy, they began to climb the stairs. Before that, they used illicit words like MC and BC in frustration which despite the poor quality of the camera, are easily audible. They, the dozen as one Ram force, were climbing quickly to burn the Ravan of a Faking News. 

After fifteen minutes of ascent, when they could not find the office, they were uncontrollably bursting. On the fourteenth floor, they had spread everywhere and checked for even the loos but the plank of number '420' was nowhere to be seen. Purportedly, there ensued an infight and the informer Chindi was beaten by his own gang black and blue. Chindi, being a erotic soul, was aware of the handling of girls at the hands of such Sene-esque organizations. He had come up with his malafide intentions but there was no breathing soul apart from the regularly maddening gang members.

The trecherous gang, when they could not find the office stood in a line to attend ..what? -their natural call. In the frenzy, nobody had cared to defecate in the morning in their respective houses and nobody had ever seen such sanitation in any loos as was available with 14th floor loos. There was an appreciation of their orderliness when they stood in line with the only exception that Adnani, being senior and senile, was shown the courtesy to be the first defecator. 

After that, they retreated and made the spurious claim: "Faking News has been destroyed. The blasphemy has been won over. Jai Shree Ram. Sare bolo ab...Jai Shree Ram."

In the goof-up, they could not even realize that the journalists they were conveying to were from the very Faking News they were pressing to have destroyed. We could only presume that they were unable, in their illiterate capacity, to successfully expand the initials "FK" which was shining on the mikes. Not to provide any doubt and also to divert the laughter, the journalist, too, shouted "Jai shree Ram". 

India, soon to start its chain of overseas wins, too.

So far, The Team India has been tainted as 'Lion-at-Land', a title which it has blissfully accepted. Though there have been certain intentions of skipper Mahender Singh Dhoni to shed off this title a couple of times when India had neared itself to an overseas series-win, the things could not be wrapped up. But cheers guys! Not anymore.

When Dr. Mohammad Ghazni, the psychiatrist of lustrous Indian team was accosted by the Faking News journalists outside his lab, he was exaggeratedly jubilant. His hairs had stood up at ends and he was dribbling at mouth. It appeared to us, as if , he had treated himself in some bout of a 'trip'. But we are not ashamed to confess that we were in the wrong.

Dr. Ghazni has finally found the reason of the matches wasted overseas and it, as he himself said in shame, was all with their psyche. "Yes!," he began the explanation, " the boys have felt Indians when in India and Aliens when elsewhere. Oh my god! Poor me, how simple was the logic and I missed it." 

But before we could ridicule him to have gone mad with poor performance of the team and were about to pass it on to Inida-Tv to push down the gullet of every cricket lover, Ghazni interrupted us, almost pulling the collar of journalist Ghamkhar. Dr. Ghazni then explained his therapy to us and it made good sense.

Dr. Ghazni said "See, I know the only vibe that would have helped them to strive for an overseas win was to feel Indians outside. That is to say, it is going to be possible soon." And then Dr.Ghazni finally enlightened us, saying "Everybody is going to foreign lands. Australia, Newzealand, England, Africa-- Indians are swarming everywhere. with Punjabis and Gujaratis leading the support base, and with their first generational Maasis, Chaachis and Taayis already deep-rooted in foreign lands, we can easily see that phenomena happening. And with their fetish to provide attendance at the cricketing grounds, they would generate that much needed psychosis: 'India, away from India'. Samjhe" He ended with a Hurrahh..which looked like a Punjabi 'Burraahh'.

Thus, if everything goes as per the psychiatrist, not only the Team India would be the cricketing-glitter forever, but also, the Indianization of the world would begin like a jungle fire. Punjabis and Gujaratis, are easily expected to enhance their existing piles to show their national inclinations. The only hitch would be that the age-long, trusted and fairy-tale excuse of every captain-cap so far would be busted in which they had put all the onus the bounce and odd-behaving pitches of Overseas.