"Pakistan made fake Facebook profile to send 'Friend Request' to U.S"

If the reports are to be believed, Pakistan Foreign Affairs Ministry has sent a 'friend request' to United States using a fake Facebook Account.

The relationship of Pakistan with United States has been on the downhill since the army of Pakistan issued orders to retaliate any attack from NATO forces in the future. Also, Pakistan is boycotting the meeting with United States in Afghanistan as a mark of protest.

Inside officials blurted to Faking News on the condition of anonymity, that such a carefully thought step would help insure to play 'both ways'. On one side, people would feel that U.S and Pakistan are no more friends on Facebook while at the same time, Pakistan could still like U.S's photos if the friend request is accepted.

Heena Khar said that Pakistan would still need to do some homework first. To make a fake profile isn't easy. It should have already some friends under its Friend list to convince U.S of its genuine status. Afghanistan, Uzbekisthan, Kazakasthan, Morocco and the like, who are famous to accept anybody's friend request would be made friends first and then U.S would be approached.

Pakistan if hopeful that its new tactic could even help in viewing U.S's photos with other nations which was not allowed earlier owing to Pakistan's bad reputation of Unrealistic Eve Teaser. But Ministry says that it would refrain from commenting on U.S's profile as the bad grammar would easily let know that the fudge nation is Pakistan.

President Asif Zardari, still using Orkut, took sometime to know the features of Facebook but once learnt, said "Oh good! Lets stalk India."

Though, with recruitment of Ankur from IIT-Delhi by Facebook, ISI was skeptical of the move. Kayani said,"65 lacs for an undergrad! Don't you see the Indian hand there? He could be a RAW agent."

It is yet to be decided what name would such a fake profile bear. 'Namibia' could be chosen if there is no such username on Facebook. Also, whether 'Pakistan'  would be the friend of this fake-nation is yet to be decided. 

CAG chooses Kabil Sibbal to travel back in time to convince Mayans they were wrong @2012

New Delhi: The Comptroller and Auditor General (CAG) of India, that had been recently in news because of their intricate calculations to reach at the number of crores Raja had caused a loss to the exchequer, announced a time odyssey that shook the Indian media today.

CAG has chosen Kabil Sibbal to lead a five member team to travel back in time to convince Mayans that they had been wrong in their calculations to predict an end to the world. Kabil Sibbal has been asked to reduce his weight by 65 kgs so as to not only be fit but also to fit-in the time-machine with other four travelers.

It was Sheeta Shrimati, a CAG employee who in her free time worked out the calculations available from the 5000 years olf Mayan calender civilization that she noticed a loophole. She immediately informed her seniors (those who had worked in A.Raja's case) and they realized that Sheetal was right.

In a press meet, Sibbal explained, 'Mayans had exaggerated the number of years. The fools didn't use the proper formulas to calculate the timing of end of the world. The equation they had formed had many complex solutions and since the complex numbers were yet to be developed, it is obvious they had come up with wrong answer to the equation. So according to CAG's calculations, the world should have ended on the day Raja was born. But that didn't happen. So Mayans were wrong.'

John Algorithm, a famous mathematician has refuted Sibbal's claim. According to John, even CAG's calculations are wrong. He says that as per Mayan calender's true reading, the world would end the day when either Lokpal Bill is passed or the other solution would be the day India would rid off from corruption. 

When FN raised John's concerns with Sibbal, he had a grin on his face and said, ''John Algorithm's brain size has gone to zero.'' 

While Kiran Bedi said that John may be right but still Kabil would not be wrong. Because there would be no such day when Lokpal is passed. And to calculate about the day when India is corruption free, well for that even the Kapil Sibbal of Mayan Civilization has to travel back in their time. 

Last we heard was that the Time Machine had been ready but Rahul Gandhi has taken it in the near future to see if he would be the next Prime Minister.

"India to turn upside-down to avoid corruption"

New Delhi: If the news are to be believed, India is soon going to shift its demarcations and turn upside-down on the global map. The Government has hinted strongly at this incredible wonder.

When the Lokpal bill was defeated shamefacedly in the Parliament, Kabil Sibbal and convoy came up with this excellent idea. 'See, everybody and everything is corrupt' explained Sibbal, 'why don't give it a try and see if we can un-corrupt ourselves. Ek koshsh to karlo.'

A Standing Committee has been organized to meet the unprecedented needs of such a variant geography. Pakistan would hang like a fool's hanging-garden and guess what, the Tamils (LTTE) would beat the religious shit out of their asses. The Keralites would shout slogans and would use so much 'Elaiya..akkad ..makkad..In Naal' that would discord the madrassas altogether.

On the other side, China would be doomed. With no protection of Himalayas, they would be vulnerable and America would come for the chinkanjees. The mighty dragon hand may grip Nepal and Tibet but it would be the 'chinka' strength of our own 'Seven-sisters' states to pull them along. The Communits of Kolkata would go far which would be equalized by communists of Kerala coming near to China. 

Punjab would get its free access to the oceans and a Shipbuilding process would be initiated by corrupt Badals which would send the people off to the shores of Kaneda, Amrika. Biharis would have the extra option to swim and work in Myanmar if not Mumbai.

It was unclear as what would draw such a massive muscle force to allow such a mega change. Dara Singh has increased his daily diet of Makhan Lassi, Khali could use his 'Vise grip' to turn the nation. Also, Sharad Pawar said that so far they have seen the activities of God only at cricket and not at geography. So there are multiple options available.

Sri Lanka would be given the option to choose between staying close to Kashmir and face deserted Paki militants or to float along and take Pakis, ISI, Chinkanjees, LTTE, Gorillas head-to-head. Unfortunately they would be doomed and had pleaded with India to give a space in the arm-pit under Gujarat. 

"Sachin could not complete ton because of Parliament ruckus"

Melbourne: While the people of India had been waiting on the occasion of double whammy of Lokpal on one side and Tendulker's ton on other, nobody would have thought that both these occasions would so interweave into each other.

Sachin, as a responsible citizen had always been extremely curious about the Lokpal bil. Whenever he would go for overseas tours, he had always had a radio device with him to listen upon the Lokpal dissertation. In the Boxing test, too, he had gone with earphones announcing the live coverage of proceedings of Parliament via the Aircel Mobile he had borrowed from Mahendra Dhoni.

Sachin had started to play good in the beginning. During the course of Sushma Swaraj's discourse, he had hope that such a 'shudh hindi discourse' would bow down government. In the optimism, he had played jubilant shots and advanced towards imminent history quickly.

Later Sachin confessed to Faking News that maximum help had been provided by the honorable speaker Meera Kumar, when her frequent 'Bhaith Jaayiye' helped him avoid the deadly bouncers from Siddle. When his nostrils would flare at Siddle monster, thousand miles away, Meera would calm him: 'Shaant rahiye, kyu behekte hai.'

His personal agony-model (Kabil Sibbal) when was asked to speak was when Sachin couldn't control his nerves. He began hitting everything that Pattinsom offered as he had began to see him as Sibbal. Only the zero-shaped mole was missing.

At every moment when BJP objected that bill could not pass, Sachin was seemed struggling. Since an adamant Anna Hazare supporter, when Lalu Prasad passed a trite remark about him, Sachin, the emotional soul, got really miffed at. Though, he didn't blame but Faking News thought that it was the movement when Siddle got better of the master. We can only hope that if the news are out in Bihar, people won't allow Lalu to come in power until Sachin's ton of tons is achieved.

Later there were also the rumors in the pavilion, that since Sachin was using Dhoni's phone, Sakshi might have called up. Sachin, now a middle aged suave man, might have stumped at the cheesy flickers these modern day girls use on the moment their male-counterparts pick the phone.  

" With Christmas at door steps, an engineer asks who is 'Santa Claus' "

It was an awkward moment for Faking News reporter Kaveri, when, gathering some bites for 'Christmas' she met an engineer who swore to have never known a character called Santa Claus.

She had been waiting outside an Engineering college in Uttar Pradesh (name of the college is deliberately smudged but has 'E and T' as its last two chars) when a bunch of guys, gel-haired and empty handed, came out of their classes.

The guy at front, Kapil, reverently wished Kaveri 'Merry Christmas' and also played 'Jingle Bells Jingle Bells' tone at his new ipod. But when she asked what would he ask from Santa this time, Kapil said, "But why would Santa give me anything."

Kaveri cleared that she didn't talk about Santa of Santa-Banta fame, but about Santa Claus. To which Kapil picked both of his hands in the air as if he was asked to decode a nuclear arsenal. 

His friend Mukesh tried to intervene and said, 'Madamji, Santa may go to hell. We only know Kishore Kant, he is a lame-ass and would not pass us in Electromagnetic Theory. So please let lost!'

Kaveri, playing sincere, tried to teach the kids on the matter, '' Oh ho boys! I know you are studious and aim to excel. Santa Claus is the one who comes at Christmas night and distribute gifts to others."

Now it was Kapil: '' Studious my foot! Charas and Joint are what we care for. If this Santa keeps any marijuana in his bags, then let him come at night. We will electrify him and snatch his bags. By the way, what does Santa do for his living?''

To which even our Kaveri didn't have any answer. But Mukesh, being an engineer and thus possessing ability to explain even the mystery of 'mystery', replied mockingly  "Santa is a scooter-mechanic and when not in his shop, he is at the theka ( desi bar)". And clapping off they went asking each other to wake for the night in case the bitch reporter's assertion might come true: 'We can't let go free marijuana in any cse"

"Tihar Jail finally got its first Flash Crowd"

Tihar, Delhi: The beaming jailer of Tihar jail today announced that that to keep in pace with other institutions, Tihar jail has decided to go for its very own 'flash mob'.

In a press release, jailer Dinanath Chauhan, cut it out to the press of how the flash mob would be organized. 'See, the arrangements for the necessary infrastructure has been given a a responsibility to-- you guessed it right--- Suresh Kalmadi.'

When cross-questioned over the skill of Mr.Suresh to price even normal toilet-wraps at unhealthily high prices, Dinanath responded," But there are enough checks and balances to that. He is paired with Raja who has the counter-skill to keep the prices as low as possible. In the end, it would even out, you would see. In this matter, we bet Raja would be the baap and we can even have prices as low as 0.'

He grinned when asked who would begin the dance, 'Why? Lalit Bhanot is our choreographer. He is a good learner and we have allowed him to watch some Mithunda's movies to gather some groovy steps. Earlier, we decided to hand him Madhuri's CDs but then we switched to Mithun as we have more of male frauds."

Apart from assisting Kalmadi in preparations, Mr. Raja will perform additional task of setting up 2G featured videography for the Flash Crowd. 'No, he was debarred to consult Chidambaram over the task and has to rely on his own competence.''

The chief guest is yet to be decided though Dinanath gave a strong hint that it could be Kanimozhi. The inmates have been missing her badly. All have been in consensus as they feel that it would be a kya-baat-hai moment if the flash begins with a thumka rather than the jolly vibrations of Bhanot's potbelly. 

The song could be Kolaveri.D. It hasn't been finalized yet. 'Sadda Haq' was discarded as the inmates get emotional because they only see 'bail' as their genuine haq (right).  Also, Rehman's tracks are generally pacy and we have many oldies here and can't dance their arthritis to the tunes of Rehmna, informed Dinanath Chauhan.

Submission: "Everything set and done for Tendulkar's 100th hundred"

Canberra: While the master blaster himself may not have been yet aware of the inviting conditions at the ground, a collusive team apparently set by the BCCI has almost ensured the hundredth ton for Sachin Tendulkar.

"BCCI has thrown monies like a child would throw milk," informed an inside source, "and if everything falls into place, we Indians would swell with pride like never before. It has been erupted from back-channels that first step towards this golden moment was taken by BCCI when it had agreed to pay for Greg Chappel on behalf of Cricket Australia.

'Chappel, we know, can be dealt with chappel only. For he would spoil everything from bowler to batter to fielder. Like a jownk (snail) Sirjee, Chappel chipaks to the team and sucks any victorious blood available', explained the source, code-named Chuska Khabri.

The next bucket of money, Chuska informed, went to the brother of Mazhar Majeed (Mazhar of Pakistan's match-fixing fame) who would hire newbies of Australian cricket (Mitchell Starc, Nathan Lyon) and confirm the weak overs of them. The rates were abnormally low after the bad repo of Majeed brothers when they were caught and so, it must be mentioned, the bucket of money was what we use for sandas rather for a bathe.

A special contract with head chef of the hotel where Australian team would reside has been made. Signed by Sharad Pawar, agriculture minister, the rotten food from the warehouses would be outsourced. The food is guaranteed to fire and churn the stomachs of at least Shane Watson, who would think the food as same as he had in India. Not to take any chances, rats have been intimated to work extra hours to spoil before the food is shipped.

Five personnel of IIPM college have been hired by BCCI who would each be given a mirror to flash it in the eyes of the Australian player who would attempt master's catch. They are expected to position themselves over the stand tops and the successful flash of mirror would be saved from going back to IIPM. Enthusiastic Ajay shouted, 'Main to sir sheesha mar-mar de sab andhe kar doonga!' 

Other arrangements like dozens of Boost cans (the secret of Sachin's energy), a good testicular-guard (to comfort the master in his shrugs) and CDs of song 'Ailaah! Ailaah!' (to play Sachin's best line at stadia( have been made. Chuska has said that the nation may be ready at heels to celebrate. 

Submission: "Furore in India over an ad-campaign featuring 'Lokpall' "

In an unapologetic ad-campaign from the famous brand Fakefins Ltd., the company took the nation by storm when it promoted its new product in the market by the name 'Lokpal'.

A minute length video had been running on almost every channel which shows a shabby women saying : "Your very own personal solution to all kinds of bugs, alien-ants and corruption of toilet seats (both desi and english fashion) from stains, bacteria and fungi, one product complete package cheap to buy, easy to apply. Apnayiye, Azmayiye, Chamkayeeye! -- 'Lokpal' toilet cleaner! Lokpal toilet cleaner."

Fakingfins have clearly cashed in on the popularity of 'Lokpal' which the sources say is a new law that was designed at Ram Leela Maidan by anti-corruption crusader Anna Hazare. We saw the ad many times but there was no credit given to Annaji.

The supporters of Team Anna have taken offence to use such an important word which would possible, by its sheer force, would wipe any bug of corruption, every trace of it by its mere administrative application in India. 

In villages, people had never understood the word and when it was being flashed in scree-large purple color on television screens, everybody rushed to have a glimpse of 'Lokpal'. "I was watching Big Boss where Bhajji's bandar has been invited recently, and then in the ad it was proclaimed that 'Lokpal' has been made and is easily available in your recent kirana shops" said Babloo, village Ralegan Sidhi. At his scream, his chachaji rushed into the room and decided to immediately buy the product to use it against local patwari. Patwari had been asking for corruption and Chachaji had known 'Lokpal's' guarantee work against any corruption unit. But when local kirana owner laughed at his demand, Chacha said "Wait! let these retail stores come. I will see you then, Baniya"

Civil Society has taken the matter to the court. It was not due to the word 'Lokpal' but because the women who promoted it looked like a bit like Kanimozhi. The ad-maker has been found and will be soon tied to a pole and beaten by the belt by personal whip of Annaji, who, our sources say, would act like a mother.

Arvind Kejrival has no objection to the campaign as he says it will only help promote the issue of corruption. But then he did give the warning that if Congress would fail to pass the bill 'Lokpal' in this session, then he would personally urge the buyers of toilet cleaner 'Lokpal' to use against the members of the Parliament. Since then there is a tense situation in India. 

On a separate note, 'Lokpal' has sold more units in two days than were the hits on 'Kolaveri' song link.

Submission:"A VHP activist to measure 'Chiknahat' of Chikni Chamenli "

The fringe group VHP (Vishva Healthcare Paintra) has decided to measure the smoothness of Chikni Chameli aka Katrina Kaif after his item number in the upcoming movie 'Agnipath'.

VHP has been working to improve the mores of Indian culture and feels that it has an official capacity to do so. It had earlier handled complex cases like 'Mallika's Murder' and also the infamous case, when a skin barometer had asked Payal Rohatgi to 'Ab Bas' her skin exposure.

VHP had earlier been effective in targeting the film item numbers after the release of the movie when much of the damage is done, as its spokesman Sheila Bezubani said. 'But a team of our researchers has designed a litmus-test to measure the 'chiknahat' so that youth of India don't rough themselves up as a part of natural reaction.

'Our main problem was a range for the allowed smoothness and also that for the prohibition', explained the lead researcher Anna Bichare. He said while the lowermost level was the DNA sample of Om Puri's skin, which was easily available, they had to strive for the upper level.

When they could not figure what should be the upper level, Sheila Bezubani reprimanded the research team of their perverse intentions because when the VHP wanted to bar item-numbers on the basis of minimum allowed 'chiknahat' why would they want the uppermost level.

The allowed level was not a problem as it was decided to purely lay the limit based on the experiences of Emraan Hashmi. The decision line that was drawn was this: "Any  kind of smoothness that would be capable enough to obstruct the hands of Emraan while moving over the female body would be rendered as 'unsuitable'. Different DNA samples which included that of Rakhi Sawant's 'Mika-less part of skin', a prick from John Abraham's butt, and others were tested against Emraan's hands. The appropriate level had been reached with John's sample but with Dostana 2 still many cuts away, it was nullified and Mayawati's sample was finalised.

Though the VHP is yet to clear the air on how they got the Maya's sample, it hasn't come up with a convincing answer. Some says that it was from her statue in Lucknow which bears exactly the same 'chiknahat' as that of Mayawati's but secret sources say Julian Assange's role is speculated.

Anyway, Chikni Chameli is sent a summons and she would have to be personally present or sent a sample. The sample, as the condition is, must come after a fresh bath and should not be mixed with critic's reviews.