"CBI to launch a special 'Investigation Series' to deal with Elite-slapping"

Owing to the increasing episodes of elites-- mainly ministers-- being at the receiving end of slaps and blows of late, Government has asked Central Bureau of Investigation(CBI) to take the case in its hands.

This is the only agreement that could be agreed between all the parties and the decision was unanimously taken at the back channels of the Parliament. 'In common fear, ministers stand united', quipped Mani Shankar Ayer.

"We have been asked to psychologically understand the perpetrators of slaps, to understand the germs of anger which led to such outbursts. We are already through our investigations. The slacks from Fingerprinting Department are proving to be a great help in our investigation" said Kanti Shah, a renowned CBI official.

When asked what is their modus operandi, Shah stated, "See, we have a pronged approach here. Baba Bhavishya-Batau,who is expert in reading palms, and has been a great associator of CBI in the past is our apt tool. We would take fingerprints from the cheeks, necks and other portions, where the ministers were slapped and those prints would be interpreted by Baba to understand the motives and more importantly to know the possibility of future attacks from the same slapper"

It was clear how renowned slapper Harvinder Singh, who warned of suchlike attacks after overpowering Pawar, could be stopped using Baba's gyan. 

"Sukhram ji, who had been slapped since a while now, had mistakenly washed his cheek in Tide in awe, and thus the prints came badly. But Mr.Pawar's cheek had well-cut contours of Harvinder's hand-marks. What worries us is that Baba Bhavishya-Batau says the man has still many slaps to go", informed Kanti Shah.

A team had been sent to P.Chidambram's house since we thought he could have kept the legendary chappal that was thrown at him, which could have helped understand chappal-slinger from his palm prints of not of hands. What we found that senior minister, knowing that his days in Parliament could be numbered, spends most of his time in the House, though sitting idle. Thus, he was not in his home when CBI went, as Mr.Shah informed, but there was a stray chappal lying near the edge of his garden.

To widen the database, possible suspects like the ones with large hands and loose chappals are to be identified and precautionary measures are taken by taking their finger prints in advance. all these would be read by Baba.

The method of investigation took a new turn, when S.S Rathore, a culprit in Ruchika Girhotra's case who was bashed outside a Chandigarh Court, disclosed to CBI that, in his case, it was more of desi ghassuns (indigenous fists) than mere slaps. The disclosure meant that apart from palm and feet signs, the knuckles, too, have to be considered for the Database. This has delayed the CBI's report, as says Mr. Shah, otherwise Baba Bhavishya-Batau would have by now predicted the next elite who will be bashed.